Such a significant event was celebrated by the employees and teachers of the CTC in the recreation center of the Ministry of Taxes and Taxes "Podmoskovye", which is 30 km from the Moscow Ring Road along Dmitrovskoye Highway. True, Lena and I could not fully enjoy the celebration: we arrived on Saturday and left in the evening. Firstly, I didn’t feel very well, and secondly, things for Sunday accumulated, as they say, up to the throat.
The recreation center, MNS, made ambivalent impressions. On the one hand, a good boarding house located in a cozy corner of the Moscow region, and on the other hand, a slight touch of sovietness has not disappeared from the holiday home complexes, which caused smirks and nostalgic memories of Soviet hotels. What are the ads in the rooms and corridors:
- A detailed list of the contents of the issue (60 items, including " plastic basin") with frightening warnings threatening formidable punishments to the unfortunate, daring to spoil the property entrusted to him
- Requirement to wash hands before eating
- Requiring a medical certificate before swimming
- Lunch vouchers and a queue to mark them in the dining room (BC managers! Now you see how it looks from the outside?)
This reminds me of the classic:
Dinner was ready. The smell of burnt porridge increased noticeably and interrupted all the other sour smells that lived in the house. The corridors rustled. The old women, carrying tin bowls of porridge in front of them in both hands, carefully left the kitchen and sat down to dine at the common table, trying not to look at the slogans hung in the dining room, composed personally by Alexander Yakovlevich and artistically executed by Alexandra Yakovlevna. The slogans were:
"FOOD-SOURCE OF HEALTH"
"ONE EGG HAS THE SAME FAT AS 1/2 POUND OF MEAT"
“By chewing your food thoroughly, you help society” and
"MEAT IS HARMFUL"All these holy words awakened in the old women memories of teeth that had disappeared even before the revolution, of eggs that disappeared at about the same time, of meat that was inferior in terms of fat to eggs, and perhaps of society, to which they were deprived of the opportunity to help, carefully chewing food.
But, in spite of everything, the rest was a success. At least I managed to get my first sleep this week.
The twelve Chairs
Chapter VIII. blue thief
The caretaker of the 2nd house of Starsobes was a shy thief. His whole being protested against the theft, but he could not help stealing. He stole, and he was ashamed. He stole constantly, he was constantly ashamed, and therefore his well-shaven cheeks always burned with a blush of embarrassment, modesty, shyness and embarrassment. The caretaker's name was Alexander Yakovlevich, and his wife, Alexandra Yakovlevna. He called her Sashkhen, she called him Alkhen. The world has never seen such a blue thief as Alexander Yakovlevich.
He was not only a supply manager, but also a manager in general. The former for rough treatment of the pupils was removed from work and appointed bandmaster of the symphony orchestra. Alchen did not resemble his ill-mannered boss in any way. In the order of a packed working day, he took over the management of the house and treated the pensioners with excellent courtesy, carrying out important reforms and innovations in the house.
Ostap Bender pulled open the heavy oak door of Vorobyaninov's mansion and found himself in the lobby. It smelled of burnt porridge in here. From the upper chambers came discord, like a distant cheer in a chain. Nobody was there, and nobody showed up. An oak staircase with once lacquered steps led up in two flights. Now only rings stuck out in it, and there were no copper rods that once pressed the carpet to the steps.
"The Comanche leader, however, lived in vulgar luxury," Ostap thought as he went upstairs.
In the very first room, bright and spacious, a dozen and a half gray-haired old women in dresses from the cheapest mouse-colored tualdenor were sitting in a circle. Stretching out their necks and looking at the blossoming man standing in the center, the old women sang:
The sound of bells is heard from afar. This is a familiar run-up of troikas ... And in the distance, sparkling snow stretched wide-o-o White shroud! ..
The leader of the choir, in a gray sweatshirt from the same tualdenor and tualdenor trousers, beat the time with both hands and, turning around, shouted:
Discants, be quiet! Kokushkina, weaker! He saw Ostap, but, unable to restrain the movements of his hands, he only looked unkindly at the newcomer and continued to conduct. The chorus thundered with an effort, as if through a pillow:
Ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, To-ro-rum, tu-ru-rum, tu-ru-rum ...
Tell me, where can I see a comrade supply manager here? Ostap uttered, breaking through in the very first pause.
And what's the matter, comrade?
Ostap shook hands with the conductor and asked amiably:
Songs of nationalities? Very interesting. I'm a fire inspector. The caretaker was ashamed.
Yes, yes, he said, embarrassed, just in time. I was even going to write a report.
You have nothing to worry about, Ostap generously declared, I will write the report myself. Well, let's look at the room.
Alchen dismissed the choir with a wave of his hand, and the old women departed with small joyful steps.
Please follow me, invited the supply manager. Before moving on, Ostap stared at the furniture in the first room. In the room stood: a table, two garden benches on iron legs (on the back of one of them the name "Kolya" was deeply carved) and a red harmonium.
Do they light stoves in this room? Temporary ovens and the like?
No, no. Here we have circles: choral, dramatic, fine arts and music ...
Having reached the word "musical", Alexander Yakovlevich blushed. First the chin burned, then the forehead and cheeks. Alchen was very ashamed. He had long ago sold all the instruments of the wind choir. The weak lungs of the old women still blew out of them only a puppy squeal. It was funny to see this mass of metal in such a helpless position. Alchen could not help stealing the chapel. And now he was very ashamed.
On the wall, stretching from window to window, hung a slogan, written in white letters on a piece of mouse-colored tualdenor: "Brass band - the path to collective creativity."
Very well, said Ostap, the room for study groups does not pose any danger in terms of fire. Let's move on.
Passing through the front rooms of Vorobyaninov's mansion at a quick gait, Ostap did not notice anywhere a walnut chair with bent legs, upholstered in light English chintz with flowers. On the walls of ironed marble, orders were pasted on the house of 2 Starsobes. Ostap read them, from time to time asking energetically: “Are the chimneys cleaned regularly? Are the ovens okay? And, having received exhaustive answers, moved on.
The fire inspector diligently looked for at least one corner in the house that posed a fire hazard, but in this respect everything was safe. But the search was unsuccessful. Ostap entered the bedrooms. The old women stood up and bowed low when he appeared. There were bunks covered with blankets as fluffy as dog hair, on one side of which the word "Legs" was woven in a factory way. Under the beds were chests, put forward on the initiative of Alexander Yakovlevich, who loved the military setting of the case, exactly one third.
Everything in house No. 2 struck the eye with its excessive modesty: the furnishings, which consisted exclusively of garden benches brought from Aleksandrovsky, now named after Proletarian Subbotniks, boulevard, and market kerosene lamps, and the very blankets with the frightening word "Feet". But only one thing in the house was made strong and magnificent: it was the door springs.
Door appliances were Alexander Yakovlevich's passion. Having put great efforts, he supplied all doors without exception with springs of a wide variety of systems and styles. Here were the simplest springs in the form of an iron rod. There were wind springs with copper cylindrical pumps. There were devices on blocks with weighty shot bags descending. There were also springs of designs so complex that the Sobesovsky locksmith only shook his head in surprise. All these cylinders, springs and counterweights had a mighty force. The doors slammed shut with the same swiftness as the doors of mousetraps. The whole house was trembling from the operation of the mechanisms. The old women with a sad squeak escaped from the doors that attacked them, but it was not always possible to escape. The doors overtook the fugitives and pushed them in the back, and from above, with a dull croak, a counterweight was already descending, flying past the temple like a ball.
When Bender and the caretaker walked through the house, the doors saluted with terrible blows.
Behind all this fortified magnificence, nothing was hidden - there was no chair. In search of a fire danger, the inspector got into the kitchen. There, in a large linen cauldron, porridge was being cooked, the smell of which the great strategist smelled in the lobby. Ostap twisted his nose and said:
Is that in machine oil?
By God, on pure cream! Alchen said, blushing to tears. We buy on the farm. He was very ashamed.
However, this does not pose a fire hazard, Ostap noted.
There was no chair in the kitchen either. There was only a stool on which sat a cook in an apron and a tualdenor cap.
Why is it that all your outfits are gray, and the muslin is such that you can only wipe windows with it? The shy Alchen lowered his eyes even more.
Credits are issued in insufficient quantity.
He was disgusted with himself. Ostap looked doubtfully at him and said:
This does not apply to the fire department, which I currently represent. Alchen was scared.
Against the fire, he said, we have taken all measures. There is even an Eclair foam fire extinguisher.
The inspector, peering into the closets along the way, reluctantly proceeded to the fire extinguisher. The red tin cone, although it was the only item in the house that had anything to do with the fire brigade, caused the inspector a particular annoyance.
Did you buy at a flea market?
And, without waiting for an answer like a thunder-struck Alexander Yakovlevich, he removed the Eclair from a rusty nail, broke the capsule without warning and quickly turned the cone up. But instead of the expected foamy jet, the cone threw out a thin hiss, reminiscent of the old melody "Glorious be our Lord in Zion."
Of course, at the flea market, Ostap confirmed his initial opinion and hung up the fire extinguisher, which continued to sing, in its original place. Accompanied by a hiss, they went on. “Where can he be? thought Ostap. I'm starting to dislike it. And he decided not to leave the tualdenor hall until he knew everything.
During the time that the inspector and the supply manager climbed through the attics, entering into all the details of fire protection and the location of chimneys, the 2nd house of Starsobes lived its ordinary life.
Dinner was ready. The smell of burnt porridge increased noticeably and interrupted all the other sour smells that lived in the house. The corridors rustled. The old women, carrying tin bowls of porridge in front of them in both hands, carefully left the kitchen and sat down to dine at the common table, trying not to look at the slogans hung in the dining room, composed personally by Alexander Yakovlevich and artistically executed by Alexandra Yakovlevna. The slogans were:
"FOODSOURCE OF HEALTH"
"ONE EGG HAS THE SAME FAT AS 1/2 POUND OF MEAT"
“By chewing your food thoroughly, you help society”
and
"MEAT HARMFUL"
All these holy words awakened in the old women memories of teeth that had disappeared even before the revolution, of eggs that disappeared at about the same time, of meat that was inferior in terms of fat to eggs, and perhaps of society, to which they were deprived of the opportunity to help, carefully chewing food.
Besides the old women, Isidor Yakovlevich, Afanasy Yakovlevich, Kirill Yakovlevich, Oleg Yakovlevich, and Pasha Emilievich were sitting at the table. Neither by age nor by gender did these young people harmonize with the tasks of social security, but the four Yakovlevichs were the young brothers of Alkhen, and Pasha Emilievich was Alexandra Yakovlevna's cousin-nephew. Young people, the oldest of whom was 32-year-old Pasha Emilievich, did not consider their life in the social security house to be anything abnormal. They lived in the house on the rights of an old woman, they also had state-owned beds with blankets on which “Legs” was written, they were dressed, like the old women, in a mouse tualdenor, but thanks to their youth and strength, they ate better than the pupils. They stole everything in the crowbar that Alchen did not have time to steal. Pasha Emilievich could gobble up two kilograms of sprat in one sitting, which he once did, leaving all the scrap without dinner.
Before the old women had had time to thoroughly taste the porridge, the Yakovlevichs, together with Emilievich, having swallowed their portions and belching, got up from the table and went into the kitchen in search of something digestible. The dinner continued. The old ladies chimed in:
Now they will get drunk, they will begin to yell songs!
And Pasha Emilievich sold the chair from the red corner this morning. From the back door he took out to the dealer,
Look, a drunk will come today ... At that moment, the conversation of the pupils was interrupted by a pipe blowing your nose, drowning out even all the ongoing singing of a fire extinguisher, and a cow's voice began:
…shaving…
The old women, bending down and not turning around at the loudspeaker standing in the corner on the washed parquet floor, continued to eat, hoping that this cup would blow them away. But the loudspeaker cheerfully continued:
Evokrrrahhhh vidso… a valuable invention. The road foreman of the Murmansk railway Comrade Sokutsky, Samara, Orel, Cleopatra, Ustinya, Tsaritsyn, Klementy, Iphigenia, York, So-kuts-kiy...
The trumpet sucked in a wheezing breath and resumed transmission in a runny voice:
...invented the light signaling on snowplows. The invention was approved by Dorizul, Daria, Onega, Raymond...
The old women swam like gray ducks to their rooms. The trumpet, bouncing from its own power, continued to rage in the empty room:
... And now listen to the Novgorod ditties ...
Far, far away, in the very center of the earth, someone touched the balalaika strings, and the black earth Battistini sang:
Bedbugs sat on the wall And squinted in the sun, They saw the Financial Inspector They immediately turned around ...
In the center of the earth, these ditties caused a flurry of activity. A terrible rumble was heard in the pipe. Either it was thunderous applause, or underground volcanoes began to work.
Meanwhile, the gloomy fire inspector went down the attic stairs backwards and, once again finding himself in the kitchen, saw five citizens who were digging sauerkraut out of a barrel with their hands and gorging themselves on it. They ate in silence. Only Pasha Emilievich turned his head like a gourmand and, removing cabbage seaweed from his mustache, said with difficulty:
It is a sin to eat such cabbage in addition to vodka.
A new batch of old ladies? asked Ostap.
They are orphans, answered Alchen, squeezing the inspector out of the kitchen with his shoulder and gradually shaking his fist at the orphans.
Children of the Volga region? Alchen hesitated.
The heavy legacy of the tsarist regime? Alchen spread his hands: they say, nothing can be done, since such a legacy.
Joint upbringing of both sexes according to a complex method?
The shy Alexander Yakovlevich immediately, without delay, invited the fire inspector to dine with what God sent.
On this day, God sent Alexander Yakovlevich for lunch a bottle of bison, homemade mushrooms, herring mincemeat, Ukrainian borscht with first-class meat, chicken with rice and dried apple compote.
Sashkhen, said Alexander Yakovlevich, get acquainted with a comrade from the fire department.
Ostap bowed artistically to the mistress of the house and gave her such a lengthy and ambiguous compliment that he could not even complete it. Sashkhen, a tall lady, whose good looks were somewhat disfigured by Nikolaev half-whiskers, laughed softly and drank with the men.
I drink for your utilities! exclaimed Ostap.
Dinner passed merrily, and only over compote Ostap remembered the purpose of his visit.
Why, he asked, does your kefir establishment have such a meager inventory?
How, Alchen got excited, and the harmonium?
I know, I know, vox humanum. But you have absolutely nothing to sit with taste. Some garden sheds.
There is a chair in the red corner, Alchen was offended, an English chair. They say it still remains from the old situation.
And I, by the way, did not see your red corner. How is he in the sense of the fire department? Doesn't disappoint? Will have to look.
You are welcome.
Ostap thanked the hostess for dinner and set off. There were no primus stoves in the red corner, there were no temporary stoves, the chimneys were in good order and cleaned regularly, but there was no chair, to Alchen's exorbitant surprise. Rushed to look for a chair. They looked under the beds and under the benches, moved the harmonium aside for some reason, asked the old women, who looked warily at Pasha Emilievich, but they did not find the chair. Pasha Emilievich showed great diligence in the search for the chair. Everyone had already calmed down, but Pasha Emilievich was still wandering around the rooms, looking under the decanters, moving tea tin mugs and muttering:
Where could he be? Today he was, I saw him with my own eyes! It's funny even.
This is just ridiculous! Pasha Emilievich repeated impudently.
But then the Eclair foam fire extinguisher, which was singing all the time, took the highest fa, which only the People's Artist of the Republic of Nezhdanova is capable of, fell silent for a second and with a cry released the first foamy stream that flooded the ceiling and knocked the cook's tualdenor cap off his head. Behind the first jet, the foam fire extinguisher fired a second jet of tualdenor color, which knocked down the minor Isidor Yakovlevich. After that, the work of "Eclair" became uninterrupted.
Pasha Emilievich, Alkhen and all the surviving Yakovlevichs rushed to the scene.
Clean job! said Ostap. Idiotic fiction!
The old women, left alone with Ostap, without superiors, immediately began to make claims:
Bratelnikov settled in the house. They gorge themselves.
He feeds the piglets with milk, but he puts us porridge.
He took everything out of the house.
Calm down, girls, said Ostap, stepping back, this is to you from the labor inspectorate will come. The Senate did not authorize me. The old women did not listen.
And Pashka Melentievich, he took away this chair today and sold it. I saw it myself.
To whom? shouted Ostap.
Sold and all. I wanted to sell my blanket. There was a fierce fight with a fire extinguisher in the corridor. Finally, the human genius won, and the foam, trampled by the iron feet of Pasha Emilievich, released the last sluggish stream and died down forever.
The old women were sent to wash the floor. The fire inspector bent his head and, slightly swaying his hips, approached Pasha Emilievich.
One of my acquaintances, said Ostap weightily, also sold government furniture. Now he has gone to the monks sits in dopra.
Your baseless accusations are strange to me, Pasha Emilievich noticed, from whom there was a strong smell of foamy jets.
Who did you sell the chair to? Ostap asked in a ringing whisper.
Here Pasha Emilievich, who had a supernatural instinct, realized that now they would beat him, maybe even kick him.
Dealer, he replied.
I saw him for the first time in my life.
For the first time in your life?
By God.
I would stuff your snout, Ostap said dreamily, only Zarathustra does not allow it. Well, go to hell.
Pasha Emilievich smiled searchingly and began to move away.
Well, you, the victim of an abortion, said Ostap arrogantly, give up, do not leave. Dealer what, blond, brunette?
Pasha Emilievich began to explain in detail. Ostap listened to him attentively and ended the interview with the words:
This, of course, does not apply to the fire department.
In the corridor, the shy Alkhen approached the departing Bender and gave him a gold piece.
This is the one hundred and fourteenth article of the Criminal Code, said Ostap, giving a bribe to an official in the line of duty.
But he took the money and, without saying goodbye to Alexander Yakovlevich, headed for the exit. The door, equipped with a powerful device, opened with an effort and gave Ostap a 1.5-ton push in the backside.
The blow took place, said Ostap, rubbing the bruised place, the meeting continues!
Floor insulation with sawdust in the house
All these holy words awakened in the old women memories of teeth that had disappeared even before the revolution, of eggs that disappeared at about the same time, of meat that was inferior in terms of fat to eggs, and perhaps of society, to which they were deprived of the opportunity to help, carefully chewing food.
Besides the old women, Isidor Yakovlevich, Afanasy Yakovlevich, Kirill Yakovlevich, Oleg Yakovlevich and Pasha Emilievich were sitting at the table. Neither by age nor by gender did these young people harmonize with the tasks of social security, but the four Yakovlevichs were the young brothers of Alkhen, and Pasha Emilievich was Alexandra Yakovlevna's cousin-nephew. Young people, the oldest of whom was 32-year-old Pasha Emilievich, did not consider their life in the social security house to be anything abnormal. They lived in the house on the rights of an old woman, they also had state-owned beds with blankets on which “Legs” was written, they were dressed, like the old women, in a mouse tualdenor, but thanks to their youth and strength, they ate better than the pupils. They stole everything in the house that Alchen did not have time to steal. Pasha Emilievich could gobble up two kilograms of tyulka in one sitting, which he once did, leaving the whole house without dinner.
Before the old women had had time to thoroughly taste the porridge, the Yakovlevichs, together with Emilievich, having swallowed their portions and belching, got up from the table and went into the kitchen in search of something digestible. The dinner continued. The old ladies chimed in:
Now they will get drunk, they will begin to yell songs!
And Pasha Emilievich sold the chair from the red corner this morning. From the back door he took it out to the dealer.
Look, a drunk will come today ...
At that moment the pupils' conversation was interrupted by a pipe blowing their nose, which drowned out even the continuous singing of the fire extinguisher, and the cow's voice began:
- ... shaving ...
The old women, bending down and not turning around at the loudspeaker standing in the corner on the washed parquet floor, continued to eat, hoping that this cup would blow them away. But the loudspeaker cheerfully continued:
Evokrrrahhhh vidso… a valuable invention. The road foreman of the Murmansk railway, Comrade Sokutsky, - Samara, Orel, Cleopatra, Ustinya, Tsaritsyn, Klementy, Iphigenia, York, - So-Kutsky ...
The trumpet sucked in a wheezing breath and resumed transmission in a runny voice:
- ... invented the light signaling on snowplows. The invention was approved by Dorizul - Daria, Onega, Raymond ...
The old women swam like gray ducks to their rooms. The trumpet, bouncing from its own power, continued to rage in the empty room:
- ... And now listen to the Novgorod ditties ...
Far, far away, in the very center of the earth, someone touched the balalaika strings, and the black earth Battistini sang:
There were bed bugs on the wall
And squinted at the sun
The financial inspector saw -
Got hooked right away...
In the center of the earth, these ditties caused a flurry of activity. A terrible rumble was heard in the pipe. Either it was thunderous applause, or underground volcanoes began to work.
Meanwhile, the gloomy fire inspector went down the attic stairs backwards and, once again finding himself in the kitchen, saw five citizens who were digging sauerkraut out of a barrel with their hands and gorging themselves on it. They ate in silence. Only Pasha Emilievich turned his head like a gourmand and, removing cabbage seaweed from his mustache, said with difficulty:
It is a sin to eat such cabbage in addition to vodka.
New batch of old ladies? asked Ostap.
They are orphans,” replied Alchen, squeezing the inspector out of the kitchen with his shoulder and gradually shaking his fist at the orphans.
Volga children?
Alchen hesitated.
The heavy legacy of the tsarist regime?
Alchen spread his hands: they say, nothing can be done, since such a legacy.
Joint education of both sexes according to a complex method?
The shy Alexander Yakovlevich immediately, without delay, invited the fire inspector to dine with what God sent.
On this day, God sent Alexander Yakovlevich for lunch a bottle of bison, homemade mushrooms, herring mincemeat, Ukrainian borscht with first-class meat, chicken with rice and dried apple compote.
Sashkhen, - said Alexander Yakovlevich, - get acquainted with a comrade from the fire department.
Ostap bowed artistically to the mistress of the house and gave her such a lengthy and ambiguous compliment that he could not even complete it. Sashkhen, a tall lady, whose good looks were somewhat disfigured by Nikolaev half-whiskers, laughed softly and drank with the men.
I drink for your utilities! exclaimed Ostap.
Dinner passed merrily, and only over compote Ostap remembered the purpose of his visit.
Why, - he asked, - is there such a meager inventory in your kefir establishment?
What about, - Alkhen got excited, - and the harmonium?
I know, I know, vox humanum. But you have absolutely nothing to sit with taste. Some garden sheds.
There is a chair in the red corner, - Alchen was offended, - an English chair. They say it still remains from the old situation.
By the way, I didn't see your red corner. How is he in the sense of the fire department? Doesn't disappoint? Will have to look.
Welcome.
Ostap thanked the hostess for dinner and set off. There were no primus stoves in the red corner, there were no temporary stoves, the chimneys were in good order and cleaned regularly, but there was no chair, to Alchen's exorbitant surprise. Rushed to look for a chair. They looked under the beds and under the benches, moved the harmonium aside for some reason, asked the old women, who looked warily at Pasha Emilievich, but they did not find the chair. Pasha Emilievich showed great diligence in the search for the chair. Everyone had already calmed down, but Pasha Emilievich was still wandering around the rooms, looking under the decanters, moving tea tin mugs and muttering:
Where can he be? Today he was, I saw him with my own eyes! It's funny even.
This is ridiculous! Pasha Emilievich repeated insolently.
But then the Eclair foam fire extinguisher, which was singing all the time, took the highest fa, which only the People's Artist of the Republic of Nezhdanova is capable of, fell silent for a second and with a cry released the first foamy stream that flooded the ceiling and knocked the cook's tualdenor cap off his head. Behind the first jet, the foam fire extinguisher fired a second jet of tualdenor color, which knocked down the minor Isidor Yakovlevich. After that, the work of "Eclair" became uninterrupted.
Pasha Emilievich, Alkhen and all the surviving Yakovlevichs rushed to the scene.
Clean work! - said Ostap. - An idiotic idea!
The old women, left alone with Ostap, without superiors, immediately began to make claims:
Bratelnikov settled in the house. They gorge themselves.
He feeds the pigs with milk, but he gives us porridge.
He took everything out of the house.
Calm down, girls, - said Ostap, stepping back, - they will come to you from the labor inspectorate. The Senate did not authorize me.
The old women did not listen.
And Pashka Melentyevich, he took away this chair today and sold it. I saw it myself.
To whom? shouted Ostap.
Sold - and all. I wanted to sell my blanket. There was a fierce fight with a fire extinguisher in the corridor. Finally, the human genius won, and the foam, trampled by the iron feet of Pasha Emilievich, released the last sluggish stream and died down forever.
The old women were sent to wash the floor. The fire inspector bent his head and, slightly swaying his hips, approached Pasha Emilievich.
One of my acquaintances, - said Ostap weightily, - also sold state-owned furniture. Now he went to the monks - he is sitting in the dopre.
Your baseless accusations are strange to me, ”Pasha Emilievich remarked, from whom there was a strong smell of foamy streams.
Who did you sell the chair to? asked Ostap in a ringing whisper.
Here Pasha Emilievich, who had a supernatural instinct, realized that now they would beat him, maybe even kick him.
Dealer, he replied.
I saw him for the first time in my life.
First time in life?
By God.
I would stuff your snout, - Ostap said dreamily, - only Zarathustra won't allow it. Well, go to hell.
Pasha Emilievich smiled searchingly and began to move away.
Well, you, the victim of an abortion, - Ostap said arrogantly, - give up the ends, do not leave. Dealer what, blond, brunette?
Pasha Emilievich began to explain in detail. Ostap listened to him attentively and ended the interview with the words:
This, of course, does not apply to the fire department.
In the corridor, the shy Alkhen approached the departing Bender and gave him a gold piece.
Health
Despite the information on healthy eating that seems to be in every news feed on the Internet and in every TV show, one of the most common health problems that many of us experience almost regularly is indigestion. As a rule, we ourselves are to blame for this, since we do not always adhere to healthy foods in our diet. Yes, and the consumption of cereals and salads does not insure us one hundred percent from indigestion, which is often caused not by what we eat, but by how we do it. We bring to your attention some useful tips that will help you and your stomach.
1. Chew your food thoroughly
Ilf and Petrov also stated in their imperishable work that "by chewing food thoroughly, you help society". We do not promise about society, but chewing your food thoroughly really helps your stomach. By grinding food into small pieces with our teeth during chewing, we impregnate it with saliva, which contributes to faster digestion of food. Don't stuff your mouth - chew and swallow the first bite before stuffing the second one into your mouth. This means that food should be consumed slowly.
2. Reheat food
It is not for nothing that our parents did not get tired of repeating (and their parents, and so on) that the stomach needs warm food. Try to eat warm food and avoid eating cold or raw foods. A raw food diet is a phenomenon that is not to the taste of every organism, and can even be quite dangerous. Even if you have purchased some buns, or are going to make an ordinary sandwich from products that have just been taken out of the refrigerator, it makes sense to heat food in the microwave. Eat soups and borscht, cereals and legumes more often - of course, warmed up.
3. Choose fresh food
Found a little moldy cheese or a piece of stale sausage in the refrigerator? It is worth giving up such food for the sake of the health of your stomach. Try to always consume fresh food, as in this case your digestive system is guaranteed from getting into it moldy food, or stale pieces. If you decide to cook a salad, calculate the amount of food so that the salad is enough for a single meal. It’s better to spend a few minutes later preparing a new portion of salad than to suffer from indigestion after finishing yesterday’s portion left in the refrigerator from dinner.
4. Drink warm water
Drink enough warm water. Not a hot liquid that will burn the palate, tongue and larynx, but warm. Warm water improves the digestive process and neutralizes harmful substances that could enter the stomach with food. It’s a good idea to make ginger tea instead of water by simply adding grated ginger to boiled water. It’s also a good idea to add some cinnamon, a few leaves of medicinal chamomile and peppermint to the cup - all of these foods are great for stimulating digestion and, in addition, strengthen the immune system.
5. Eat in moderation
One of the main reasons that lead to indigestion is overeating. This phenomenon is strongly promoted by advertising praising all kinds of pills that help digest food. However, the best way not to overeat is as old as the world - you just need to eat less and more slowly. As you know, the signal about the saturation of the stomach enters the brain a little later, 20 minutes after the start of food consumption. This means that you should not lean on dishes, even if you are hungry. Better less, but better!
6. After eating, you need a little rest.
This does not mean that from behind the table your path should immediately lie in the bedroom. In no case. But some time after eating to spend in a sitting position, it will be very useful for your stomach. Thus, you give the body a certain head start, which allows it to concentrate entirely on digestion. 15-20 minutes after eating, you can start your normal activities.
7. Avoid frequent snacking
It happens that a long period of time between the main meals forces us to periodically snack on sandwiches, cookies, and so on. This is far from the best solution., since this behavior can also cause overeating and upset the digestive system. To cope with hunger, it is better to stock up on fruits, which, by the way, are also very useful for the digestive system when cooked.
8. Avoid Canned Food
In order to help your stomach cope with food, do not fill it with canned foods that contain harmful preservatives and contain virtually no nutrients and vitamins. Combine cooked and raw foods - for example, a salad of fresh and stewed carrots. In this way, you will provide yourself with much-needed and vital enzymes.
9. Use chopsticks
Perhaps this advice may seem very strange to someone, but it is the use of chopsticks that will allow you to eat moderate amounts of food. Initially, it will most likely be difficult to handle some of the products, but you will soon learn how to skillfully handle these traditional East Asian cutlery, which will allow you to eat food in small portions. It will also affect the speed of food consumption and allow you not to overeat.
10. Take Digestive Enzymes
If you are unable to take control of the process of digestion of food, you should consider taking medications containing special digestive enzymes. These enzymes help your stomach release nutrients from ingested food, as well as help avoid bloating, gas buildup, and general malaise associated with indigestion.
11. Use apple cider vinegar
Instead of wine vinegar, which is pretty much a staple in most of our kitchens, apple cider vinegar is highly recommended by diet and health experts. Add apple cider vinegar to salads it will act as a prebiotic in your diet- a food ingredient that is indigestible by the enzymes of the stomach and indigestible by the upper sections of the gastrointestinal tract. The "task" of the prebiotic is to become food for beneficial microflora of the stomach, which favorably affects the digestive process.
12. Use flaxseed
Use ground flaxseed at every meal. You can sprinkle it on almost any salads, cereals, soups. Ground flaxseed can be added to cottage cheese or even yogurt. This product is not only extremely rich in useful omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids, but is also an excellent source of dietary fiber.
13. Exercise
Daily exercise will quickly help you normalize digestion. By practicing every day, you will be able to independently develop a certain rhythm, which will help your digestive system in the process of breaking down food into components and its passage through the digestive tract.
If all the tips that are offered to you in this article have not helped to get rid of the constant disorders of the digestive system, then it makes sense to contact a specialist who may help to identify other, much more serious reasons for the disruption of your digestive tract.
The caretaker of the 2nd house of Starsobes was a shy thief. His whole being protested against the theft, but he could not help stealing. He stole, and he was ashamed. He stole constantly, he was constantly ashamed, and therefore his well-shaven cheeks always burned with a blush of embarrassment, modesty, shyness and embarrassment. The manager's name was Alexander Yakovlevich, and his wife Alexandra Yakovlevna. He called her Sashkhen, she called him Alkhen. The world has never seen such a blue thief as Alexander Yakovlevich.
He was not only a supply manager, but also a manager in general. former head for mistreatment of pupils seven months ago removed from work and appointed bandmaster of the symphony orchestra. Alchen did not resemble his ill-mannered boss in any way. In the order of a packed working day, he took over the management of the house and treated the pensioners with excellent courtesy, carrying out important reforms and innovations in the house.
Ostap Bender pulled open the heavy oak door of Vorobyaninov's mansion and found himself in the lobby. It smelled of burnt porridge in here. From the upper chambers came discord, like a distant cheer in a chain. Nobody was there, and nobody showed up. Up led two marches oak staircase with once lacquered steps. Now only rings stuck in it, and themselves there were no copper rods that once pressed the carpet to the steps.
"The Comanche leader, however, lived in vulgar luxury," thought Ostap, rising up.
In the very first room, bright and spacious, a dozen and a half gray-haired old women in dresses from the cheapest mouse-colored tualdenor were sitting in a circle. Stretching out dry neck and looking at the one standing in the center a man in bloom, the old women sang:
The sound of bells is heard from afar. This is a triple familiar run. And in the distance sparkling snow stretched wide like a white shroud.
The leader of the choir, in a gray sweatshirt made of the same tualdenor and tualdenor trousers, beat time with both hands and, turning around, shouted:
Trebles, be quiet! Kokushkina is weaker!
He saw Ostap, but, unable to keep traffic their own hands, only unkindly on him watched and continued to conduct. The chorus thundered with an effort, as if through a pillow:
Ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta, To-ro-rum, tu-ru-rum, tu-ru- frames.
Tell me, where can I see a comrade supply manager here? said Ostap, breaking through in the very first pause.
What's the matter, comrade?
Ostap shook hands with the conductor and asked amiably:
National songs? Very interesting. I'm a fire inspector. The caretaker was ashamed.
Yes, yes, - he said, embarrassed, - that's just the way. I was even going to write a report.
You have nothing to worry about, - generously declared Ostap, - I will write the report myself. Well, let's look at the room.
Alchen dismissed the choir with a wave of his hand, and the old women departed with small joyful steps.
Please follow me, - invited the manager.
Don't they light stoves in this room? Temporary ovens and the like?
No no. Here we have circles: choral, drama, fine arts, music club...
Having reached the word "musical", Alexander Yakovlevich blushed. First the chin burned, then the forehead and cheeks. Alchen was very ashamed. He had long ago sold all the instruments of the wind choir. The weak lungs of the old women still blew out of them only a puppy squeal. It was funny to see this mass of metal in such a helpless position. Alchen could not help stealing the chapel. And now he was very ashamed.
On the wall, stretching from window to window, hung a slogan written in white letters on a piece of mouse-colored tualdenor:
Brass band - the path to collective creativity.
Very well, - said Ostap, - the room for circle studies does not pose any danger in terms of fire. Let's move on.
Passing through the front rooms of Vorobyaninov's mansion at a quick gait, Ostap did not notice anywhere a walnut chair with bent legs, upholstered in light English chintz with flowers. On the walls of ironed marble, orders were pasted on the house number 2 of Starsobes. Ostap read them, from time to time asking energetically: “Are the chimneys cleaned regularly? Are the ovens okay? And, having received exhaustive answers, moved on.
The fire inspector diligently looked for at least one corner in the house that was dangerous in terms of fire, but in terms of fire, everything was safe. But searches clade were unsuccessful. Ostap entered the bedrooms old women who when he appeared, they stood up and bowed low. There were bunks covered with blankets as fluffy as dog hair, on one side of which the word "Legs" was woven in a factory way. Under the beds were chests, put forward on the initiative of Alexander Yakovlevich, who loved the military setting of the case, exactly one third.
Everything in house No. 2 struck the eye with its excessive modesty: the furniture, which consisted exclusively of garden benches Subbotnikov, the boulevard, and market kerosene lamps, and the very blankets with the frightening word "Legs". But only one thing in the house was made strong and magnificent - these were the door springs.
Door appliances were Alexander Yakovlevich's passion. Having put great efforts, he supplied all doors without exception with springs of a wide variety of systems and styles. Here were the simplest springs, in the form of an iron rod. There were wind springs with copper cylindrical pumps. There were devices on blocks with weighty shot bags descending. There were also springs of designs so complex that the Sobesovsky locksmith only shook his head in surprise. All these cylinders, springs and counterweights had a mighty force. The doors slammed shut with the same swiftness as the doors of mousetraps. From work door mechanisms trembled the whole house. The old women with a sad squeak escaped from the doors that attacked them, but it was not always possible to escape. The doors overtook the fugitives and pushed them in the back, and from above, with a dull croak, a counterweight was already descending, flying past the temple like a ball.
When Bender and the caretaker walked through the house, the doors saluted with terrible blows. It seemed that the days of the civil war were returning.
Behind all this fortress magnificence, nothing was hidden - there was no chair. In search of a fire danger, the inspector got into the kitchen. There, in a large linen cauldron, porridge was being cooked, the smell of which the great strategist smelled in the lobby. Ostap twisted his nose and said:
What is this, engine oil?
By God, on pure cream! - said Alchen, blushing to tears. - We shop at the farm. He was very ashamed.
BUT! However, this does not pose a fire hazard, - Ostap noted.
There was no chair in the kitchen either. Was only oily a stool on which sat a cook in an apron and tualdenor cap.
Why is it that all your outfits are gray, and the muslin is such that you can only wipe the windows with it? The shy Alchen lowered his eyes even more.
Credits are released in insufficient quantities. He was disgusted with himself.
Ostap looked doubtfully at him and said:
This does not apply to the fire department, which I currently represent. Alchen was scared.
Against the fire, - he said, - we have taken all measures. There is even an Eclair fire extinguisher. The inspector, peering into the closets along the way, reluctantly proceeded to the fire extinguisher. Red
the tin cone, although it was the only object in the house that had anything to do with the fire brigade, aroused particular irritation in the inspector.
Did you buy at the flea market?
And, without waiting for an answer, like Alexander Yakovlevich struck by thunder, he removed the Eclair from a rusty nail, turned it with a sharp end to the floor broke without warning capsule and quickly turned the cone up. But instead of the expected foam jet, the cone threw out a thin opposite a hiss that sounded like the old melody "Glorious be our Lord in Zion."
Of course, at the flea market, - Ostap confirmed his initial opinion and hung up the fire extinguisher, which continued to sing, in its original place.
“Where can he be? thought Ostap. "I'm starting to dislike it." And he decided not to leave the tualdenor hall until he knew everything.
During the time that the inspector and the supply manager climbed through the attics, entering into all the details of fire protection and the location of chimneys, the 2nd house of Starsobes lived its ordinary life.
Dinner was ready. The smell of burnt porridge increased noticeably and interrupted all the other sour smells that lived in the house. The corridors rustled. The old women, carrying tin bowls of porridge in front of them in both hands, carefully left the kitchen and sat down to dine at the common table, trying not to look at the slogans hung in the dining room, composed personally by Alexander Yakovlevich and artistically executed by Alexandra Yakovlevna. The slogans were: "Food is the source of health", "One egg contains as much fat as 1/2 pound of meat", "Take good care of your teeth", "Thoroughly chewing food, you help society" and "Meat is harmful."
All these holy words awakened in the old women memories of teeth that had disappeared even before the revolution, of eggs that disappeared at about the same time, of meat that was inferior in terms of fat to eggs, and perhaps of society, to which they were deprived of the opportunity to help, carefully chewing food.
Worst of all was the old woman Kokushkina, who was sitting in front of a large, well-illustrated watercolor drawing of a cow. This drawing was donated by ONNOB - the Society for the New Scientific Organization of Life. The pretty cow, looking out of the drawing with one dark Spanish eye, was artfully divided into parts and looked like the master plan of a new cooperative house, with the only difference that those places that were marked on the plan of the house by latrines, kitchens, corridors and back stairs, on On the plan, the cows appeared under the names: fillet, cut, edge, 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd and 4th.
Kokushkina ate her porridge without raising her head. The striking cow made her salivate and her heart skipped a beat. In the 2nd house of Sobes, meat was rarely served for dinner.
Besides the old women, Isidor Yakovlevich, Afanasy Yakovlevich, Kirill Yakovlevich, Oleg Yakovlevich, and Pasha Emilievich were sitting at the table. Neither by age nor by gender did these young people harmonize with the tasks of social security, but the four Yakovlevichs were the young brothers of Alkhen, and Pasha Emilievich was Alexandra Yakovlevna's cousin-nephew. Young people, the oldest of whom was 32 year old Pasha Emilievich, did not consider their life in the social security house to be anything abnormal. They lived in the house on the rights of an old woman, they also had state-owned beds with blankets on which “Legs” was written, they were dressed, like the old women, in a mouse tualdenor, but thanks to their youth and strength, they ate better than the pupils. They stole everything in the house that Alchen did not have time to steal. Pasha Emilievich could gobble up in one sitting 5 pounds tyulki, which he once did, leaving the whole house without dinner.
Before the old women had had time to thoroughly taste the porridge, the Yakovlevichs, together with Emilievich, having swallowed their portions and belching, got up from the table and went into the kitchen in search of something digestible.
The dinner continued. The old ladies chimed in:
Now they will get drunk, they will begin to yell songs!
And Pasha Emilievich sold the chair from the red corner this morning. From the back door he took it out to the dealer.
Look, a drunk will come today ...
At that moment, the pupils' conversation was interrupted by a pipe blowing their nose, drowning out even all the ongoing singing of the fire extinguisher in the corridor, and the cow's voice began:
Shaving...
The old women, bending down and not turning around at the loudspeaker standing in the corner on the washed parquet floor, continued to eat, hoping that this cup would blow them away. But the loudspeaker cheerfully continued:
Evokrrrahhhh vidso... a valuable invention. Roadmaster of the Murmansk Railway Comrade Sokutsky, Samara, Orel, Cleopatra, Ustinya, Tsaritsyn, Klementy, Iphigenia, York, - So-kuts-kiy ...
The trumpet sucked in a wheezing breath and resumed transmission in a runny voice:
Invented light signaling on snowplows. The invention was approved by Dorizul, Daria, Onega, Raymond...
The old women swam like gray ducks to their rooms. The trumpet, bouncing from its own power, continued to rage in the empty room:
And now listen to the Novgorod ditties ...
Far, far, in the very center of the earth, someone touched the balalaika strings, and the black-earth Battistini sang:
Bed bugs sat on the wall And squinted in the sun, They saw the financial inspector - Immediately screwed up...
In the center of the earth, these ditties caused a flurry of activity. A terrible rumble was heard in the pipe. Either it was thunderous applause, or underground volcanoes began to work.
Meanwhile, the gloomy fire inspector went down the attic stairs backwards and, once again finding himself in the kitchen, saw five citizens who were digging sauerkraut out of a barrel with their hands and gorging themselves on it. They ate in silence. Only Pasha Emilievich turned his head in a gourmand way and, removing cabbage seaweed from his mustache, said with difficulty:
It is a sin to eat such cabbage in addition to vodka.
New batch of old ladies? asked Ostap.
They are orphans,” replied Alchen, squeezing the inspector out of the kitchen with his shoulder and gradually shaking his fist at the orphans.
Volga children? Alchen hesitated.
heavy legacy royal regime?
Alchen spread his hands, saying that nothing can be done, since such a legacy.
Joint education of both sexes according to a complex method?
The shy Alexander Yakovlevich immediately, without delay, invited the fire inspector to dine with what God sent.
On this day, God sent Alexander Yakovlevich for lunch a bottle of bison, homemade mushrooms, mincemeat from herring, Ukrainian borscht with meat 1st varieties, chicken with rice and dried apple compote.
Sashkhen, - said Alexander Yakovlevich, - get acquainted with a friend from Gubfire.
Ostap artistically bowed to the mistress of the house and gave her such a lengthy and ambiguous compliment that he could not even bring him to end. Sashkhen, a tall lady, whose good looks were somewhat disfigured by Nikolaev half-whiskers, laughed softly and drank with the men.
I drink for your utilities! exclaimed Ostap.
Dinner passed merrily, and only over compote Ostap remembered the purpose of his visit.
Why, - he asked, - is there such a meager inventory in your kefir establishment?
What about, - Alkhen got excited, - and the harmonium?
I know, I know - vox humanum. But you have absolutely nothing to sit with taste. Some garden sheds.
There is a chair in the red corner, - Alchen was offended, - an English chair. They say it still remains from the old situation.
By the way, I didn't see your red corner. How is he in the sense of the fire department? Doesn't disappoint? Will have to look.
Welcome.
Ostap thanked the hostess for dinner and set off.
There were no primus stoves in the red corner, there were no temporary stoves, the chimneys were in good order and cleaned regularly, but there was no chair, to Alchen's exorbitant surprise. Ostap even creaked in displeasure. Rushed to look for a chair. They looked under the beds and under the benches, moved the harmonium aside for some reason, asked the old women, who looked warily at Pasha Emilievich, but they did not find the chair. Pasha Emilievich showed great perseverance. Everyone had already calmed down, but Pasha Emilievich was still wandering around the rooms, looking under the decanters, moving tea tin mugs and muttering:
Where can he be? Today he was, I saw him with my own eyes. It's funny even.
This is ridiculous! Pasha Emilievich repeated insolently.
But here singing all the time fire extinguisher"Eclair" took the highest F, which only the People's Artist of the Republic of Nezhdanova is capable of, fell silent for a second and with a cry released the first foamy stream that flooded the ceiling and knocked the tualdenor cap off the head of the cook. Behind the first stream fire extinguisher released a second stream of tualdenor color, which knocked down the minor Isidor Yakovlevich. After that, the work of "Eclair" became uninterrupted.
Pasha Emilievich, Alkhen and all the surviving Yakovlevichs rushed to the scene.
Clean work! - said Ostap. - An idiotic idea!
The old women, left alone with Ostap without the authorities, immediately began to make claims.
Bratelnikov settled in the house. They gorge themselves.
He feeds the pigs with milk, but he gives us porridge.
He took everything out of the house.
Calm down, girls, - said Ostap, stepping back, - they will come to you from the labor inspectorate. The Senate did not authorize me.
The old women did not listen.
And Pashka Melentyevich, he took away this chair today and sold it. I saw it myself.
To whom? shouted Ostap.
Sold everything. I wanted to sell my blanket.
There was a fierce fight with a fire extinguisher in the corridor. Finally, the human genius won, and the foam, trampled under the iron feet of Pasha Emilievich, threw up last time sluggish stream and calmed down forever.
The old women were sent to wash the floor. Fire Inspector sucked in the air, bowed his head and, slightly swaying his hips, went up to Pasha Emilievich.
One of my acquaintances, - said Ostap weightily, - also sold state-owned furniture. Now he went to the monks - he is sitting in the dopre.
Your baseless accusations are strange to me, ”Pasha Emilievich remarked, from whom there was a strong smell of foamy jets.
Who did you sell the chair to? asked Ostap in a ringing whisper.
Here Pasha Emilievich, who had a supernatural instinct, realized that now they would beat him, maybe even kick him.
Dealer, he replied.
I saw him for the first time in my life.
First time in life?
By God.
I would stuff your snout, - Ostap said dreamily, - only Zarathustra won't allow it. Well, go to hell!
Pasha Emilievich smiled searchingly and began to move away.
Well, you, the victim of an abortion, - Ostap said arrogantly, - give up the ends, do not leave. Dealer what, blond, brunette?
Pasha Emilievich began to explain in detail. Ostap listened to him attentively and ended the interview with the words:
This, of course, does not apply to the fire department.
In the corridor to the departing already The shy Alkhen approached Bender and gave him a gold piece.
it 114 article of the Criminal Code, - said Ostap, - giving a bribe to an official in the performance of official duties.
But he took the money and, without saying goodbye to Alexander Yakovlevich, headed for the exit. The door, equipped with a powerful device, opened with an effort and gave Ostap a push in the ass. 1 1/2 tons in weight.
The blow took place, - said Ostap, rubbing the bruised place, - the meeting continues!
